!!__TOFU__!!

wow, maybe we should make this less tedious to write in! fahaha
weve been ingesting more marijuana. or, er, HABITs been. he likes when I'm there, but I think he likes experiencing it himself more than anything, you know? but I gotta say, his interests - spiritual mumbo-jumbo and enlightenment and brainfuckey - its kinda, like, disconcerting?
I mean, it's not like I dont know what thats like. the desperation. the need to find something. to figure your shit out. like, I know. that was me. from a young age Ive fixated on magick and delusion-brewed spiritual beliefs, out of desperation and dissociation and Oh Wow a lot of my life has been tampered by dissociation actually huh. uh. fahaha... anyway! its probably partially my fault that hes even like this. hes still only a part of me after all.
he doesnt seem to blame me for it though. er, well, if he does he doesnt talk about it anymore.
wow, I... feel like I wrote a lot? kinda? HABIT likes being all elusive and shit but Im more of a feely girl.. :B

!!__HABIT__!!

iteration|repetition|assimilation. the ebbs and flows of time. is there even any meaning to it. I dont know, but I want there to be. I want all of this to mean something. I want answers. I want out of this cycle.
one could say I am trapped.

!!__HABIT__!!

amidst my [fractures, permaflux], theres always been this perverse little desire to actualize my identity.
sometimes its grosser than desire. yearning for the unfathomable always is. you get consumed by the emptiness you gaze into. sometimes very literally - and crawling out of voidhell isnt fucking easy.
but then theres just that gentle want for stillness. so gentle, in fact, that it almost starts to feel reachable.
I dont know, though. there is the calm and then there is the storm. there really isn't anything else aside from the time between what happens next.